Taken for Granted

Text written by: Ensad Miljković, CBT psychotherapist

How often do we take things, events or people for granted!? Why do we even say 'take for granted' and what does it actually mean!? Do we take the term 'take for granted' for granted!?

Taking something for granted can mean accepting things without much thought. We treat thoughts as facts, which they may be, but not necessarily! Believing something is so simply because it has been around for a long time, like an unwelcome guest who has walked into our space so many times that we just hand over a copy of the keys. Accepting things as if they go without saying, without analysing whether they are truly accurate, realistic or even helpful. We use something, like this term, without even being sure what it really means or whether it is good for us or for others. Giving in to thoughts or to certain people before we notice how they actually affect us. In addition, the broader meaning is taking things lightly, failing to appreciate something or someone. We don't know what we have in our lives until we lose it. We don't know who is beside us until they leave or until we leave. These two concepts are inseparable from each other and intertwined like grapevine shoots carefully climbing up a wall. Although this term can be viewed from many angles in our richly varied language, here we will focus on just one.

A very common theme in the psychotherapy armchair is the thought that we are not sure what the next step is. The feeling that we have wandered into a labyrinth like Theseus on his way to the Minotaur. Before we move on, we must know where we are and where we come from. On fixed maps we can often find a marker with our location from which we read the same map: YOU ARE HERE! How can we find the place we are looking for if we don't know where we are? One way to find out where we are is to look a little at the past, from where our footprints came, like Theseus who carefully followed the thread through the labyrinth to find the way out. A gentle glance back over the shoulder, but then turning forward again. Sometimes we march through life forgetting to pause and mentally capture a sunrise or sunset. We forget the path we have travelled. The people who helped us become the person we are today, for better or worse. Many achievements for which we invested a great deal of effort, work and sweat, and sometimes blood, we consider to be a given, we take them for granted. What would victory over the Minotaur mean to Theseus if he had not found the way out of the labyrinth!? He would have helped other people, but there is nothing wrong with sometimes thinking a little about yourself! It is important to learn to enjoy and deservedly savour the fruits of your hard work. If helping people is a value for us, we will help people more and for longer, and sustain this value, if above all we first learn to love ourselves and take care of our health. Saying NO to other people or to new attractive opportunities in life is sometimes the greatest sign of love for yourself, but also for other dear people who enrich our lives and deserve our attention and time.

How many things in our lives do we think are a given!? It is taken for granted that you are an obedient child, it is taken for granted that you are an excellent student, it is taken for granted that you learn at least one foreign language, it is taken for granted that you finish university, it is taken for granted that you get a job, it is taken for granted that you maintain a romantic relationship. All these things that are taken for granted in our lives are actually indispensable steps that can help us see over the wall of the labyrinth in which we are currently stuck, so we can move on. Imagine that every small achievement you have dismissed and never thought much about is a block that can become part of a staircase puzzle. Like the famous illustration of a little boy looking over a wall while standing on a pile of books. Isolated, scattered blocks only create a mess in our minds. However, when we become aware, when we allow ourselves to bring every one of our achievements back into consciousness, we finally have the chance to see over the wall, perhaps even to climb over it. We rise above obstacles and walk along the wall with a new view of our lives.

Sometimes we also take dear people for granted. We forget how much they meant to us and how much they still mean. We let the relationship slide because we assume everything will simply work on its own or that they should take the first step. Maybe they will, and maybe they won't. Maybe there is no need to wait to see who called last. Maybe we are not even sure who took the last step. Trust is built over years, can be destroyed in a few seconds and is renewed for eternity. Perhaps we need to carry a heavier share of the load, for the common good. When we easily give in to the thought that something simply goes without saying, we often forget to invest effort. We should not believe everything the mind says at first glance. We realise too late that we can no longer remember either the voice or the face of the person with whom we once shared smiles.

Those who boast will be brought down! Perhaps, but it may be more important to learn to find the thin line between arrogance and humility. This text is not for those who are so high up that they can only see the fog, but for those who too often lower their gaze and forget to lift their heads. People with humble or perfectionist personality traits can often slip to an extreme. Although they are noble qualities, at the extreme they can open the way for misery into our lives. Such people sometimes forget how truly valuable they are, what they are made of! They forget to look at their scars, which are really signposts showing everything they have been through! They do not appreciate their past achievements enough. They run from goal to goal without genuinely valuing them, taking things, people and, most importantly or most dangerously, taking themselves for granted! And when another wall appears in our lives, a crisis often follows. Before we move forward, we must look back. See what we have really managed to do so far. Nothing has been a coincidence! So many times we had the chance to give up, and each time we chose to keep going forward, to climb over the wall.

What have you actually accomplished in your life? Which of your achievements do you consider to be a given? Think it over well, take your time.

Have you at least sometimes, for a moment, patted yourself on the shoulder? Well done, master! Well done, empress!

Ponekada čekamo validaciju drugih ljudi, ali ponekada i kada je dobijemo, često nije dovoljno jer nikada ne možemo biti sigurni da li je iskrena poruka. A nije niti bitno šta drugi ljudi kažu, već šta ja mislim da su zapravo rekli i šta za mene to znači u ovom trenutku! To je jedan začarani krug.

Prijatno je čuti lijepe riječi o sebi, ali je važnije da sami sebi kažemo da smo dovoljno dobri! Ti si dovoljno dobra! Ti si dovoljno dobar! Ništa se ne podrazumijeva u tvom životu, to su sve tvoja postignuća i stepenice koje ti mogu pomoći da ideš još dalje i više! Moramo sve to osvijestiti ako želimo dalje, jače i više i barem jednom u životu ne biti skroman prema sebi. Nemoj sebe podcjenjivati, nemoj prošlost obezvređivati i nikada ne uzimaj sebe niti drage ljude zdravo za gotovo!