Who's That Talking!?

Written by: Ensad Miljković, CBT psychotherapist

I remember one occasion when a person approached me and shyly asked: Ensad, sorry for interrupting you, but I know you're a psychologist, so I wanted to ask you something. Sometimes I talk to myself, and sometimes it scares me a little. Is that normal? A more experienced psychotherapist might have immediately suspected some kind of code, carefully and skillfully fitting every one of her words into a label. Luckily, I was not yet such an experienced expert! After a short, sympathetic conversation, we established that it was a simple, universal inner narrative voice.

Have you ever watched preschool children playing!? Each in their own world, like sports commentators, cleverly describing each of their own moves. As we grow up, that voice is mostly internalized and becomes part of us. By observing and reflecting on the world around us, along with social interaction with the people who surround us, we form our own life script. A script that over the course of our lives can change every genre, from comedy through psychological thriller to even horror. The question is not whether some genre will be activated, but when and for how long it will stay! And how long it stays, once we recognize it, largely depends on us.

We often say something to ourselves, think something, or feel something, and we don't notice that same voice until it causes trouble in our lives. It is not enough to hear, it is also important to listen! What is that voice trying to tell us!? Very often, beneath the surface of thoughtless criticism lies advice that is trying to protect us. However, the road to hell is also paved with good intentions, so it is not enough to passively surrender to the inner voice. Perhaps it is not our fault that we have these thoughts, but once we recognize them, we have a responsibility to do something about them. When everything goes according to plan in our lives, that same voice is our faithful companion, helping us make silence bearable. But rarely does anything in life go exactly according to plan. Silence turns from a whisper into a scream. A scream that, once there is no longer room in our head, erupts to the surface of our life like a volcanic eruption and very often leaves damage behind, around us. The more aware we are of our inner speech, the sooner we can get ahead of it when it starts to do something foolish. As the well-known psychological quote says, between thought and action lies the potential for change. Like a small child, we must keep an eye on it.

What can we do about that voice before the eruption? To begin with, if we already spend so much time together, perhaps it deserves a name. It is important not to forget that this same voice is not a cruel lava flow but also has the potential to create fertile ground for new insights. Most people proudly like to hear their own name. Simply addressing yourself by your name can be motivating. When that part of you speaks to you, ask it to address you compassionately by your own name. The message is important, but the way the message is delivered is equally important. Would you speak to your best friend the way that inner voice sometimes speaks to you? Pay attention to the tone in which you talk to yourself, and often ask yourself: Would I speak this way to my child?

The more we refuse to talk with that part of us, the stronger the eruption may be. Ignoring it is not a solution. If we don't have time to talk now, let's schedule a meeting with ourselves for later. Alone or with the help of a specialist if the thoughts feel overwhelming, let's listen to what that part of us is telling us. How much truth is there in those thoughts, and are they really as logical and true as they seem at first glance? Do they help us in any way in this situation? Sometimes certain thoughts in our head sound absolutely true, but when we analyze them more carefully and say them out loud, we see how transparent they are. Words that had an indescribable sharpness and firmness in our thoughts become blunt when we say them out loud, and melt like an ice cube on a hot pavement. Where our pain lies, our values are hidden too. Tell me about your values and I will tell you what you may suffer over in life. Together, recall what you have managed to accomplish so far. On the wings of past victories and new insights, you can overcome this crisis too!

Just as a bit of distance from loved ones can, in the long run, strengthen and give perspective to our relationship, so too sometimes we need to take a step back and learn to observe our thoughts. Whether we get warmed or burned by our thoughts often depends on distance. To start, a slight transformation can help a lot: put the prefix I have the thought that or my brain is telling me in front of the thought. Does it carry the same weight if you tell yourself: I am incompetent or I am having the thought that I am incompetent right now!? No matter how many people we let into our lives, no one will ever come as close as the whisper and scream of the inner voice. We are never alone. If we already spend inseparable time together, let's make sure it is at least mostly pleasant company.

Feel free to talk to yourself. On the contrary, it would even be desirable to have regular coordination meetings with yourself. Fear will not help us much. Weigh both sides of the ledger and make a joint decision, just don't forget that if you don't make the decision together, that voice may make it for you. And maybe the path you chose won't please you! It is never too late to change, and it is always the right time to change, but the time we have and can spend with our values is certainly limited!

The final step after recognizing and analyzing is truly accepting both the helpful and the unhelpful thoughts. Like two neighbors separated by a thin wall. The chances are much higher that the bothersome neighbor will stop shouting if we ask nicely and listen, rather than us starting to pound on the wall too. As independent as that voice is, like a self-driving car, we have the ability to take manual control of our path and steer it toward our values. Even the best autopilot sometimes drifts off course, and our task is to bring it back to the right path of values. Befriend your inner voice. It is nicer to travel in pleasant company. If you feel you cannot get a word in with that voice and it spills over negatively into your sleep, eating, social or work life, there are professionals who can help.

Who's that talking over there!? It's me, but also not me! It's us! My thoughts are not me, they are a part of me. For better and for worse...