Solitude vs. Loneliness (Alone with Yourself and Alone Among People)

Text written by: Zana Imamović Salčinović, CBT psychotherapist

Has it ever happened to you that you find yourself in a crowd of people yet still feel lonely? Or, conversely, that you are completely alone but feel a sense of contentment and fulfillment? According to numerous contemporary sociological and psychological texts, loneliness is a product of the modern age, and therefore it is not only written and spoken about in essays, but is also increasingly being researched. However, loneliness is as old as the human race, that is, as old as man's awareness of his connection with other people, but also of himself as a unique being, separate from others.

Individuals respond to separation from other people in two ways. If they experience separation as pleasant, healthy and desirable, we speak of solitude. However, if they experience it as unpleasant, undesirable and painful, we speak of loneliness. Loneliness and solitude are, therefore, two separate phenomena, although they are interrelated. The predictors of loneliness are numerous, and some of them are, among other things, personality traits, social anxiety, shyness, low self-esteem, social skills and problem-solving skills, attachment styles, humor styles... etc.

People can enjoy solitude precisely because they will be alone for a while, in contact with themselves, their own thoughts and emotions. It is a time when we can reflect on recent events, draw some conclusions and learn something from previous experiences. It is a time when we set goals, make plans and make decisions. In the end, solitude is useful for restoring emotional balance, if effective cognitive strategies are used.

A negative type of solitude is loneliness (when we are alone we feel anxious, depressed and aware of our disconnection from others), a neutral type of solitude is diversion (we are alone and spend time reading books, watching television, browsing the internet, etc.). Positive types of solitude are: solitude as anonymity (being alone and doing whatever you want, regardless of what others think and whether they like it), solitude as creativity (being alone, which stimulates the creation of new ideas and their realization in areas such as poetry, intellectual and other activities), solitude as inner peace (being alone and feeling relaxed and free from the pressures of everyday life), solitude as intimacy (being alone and feeling connected to someone you love, who is far away), solitude as problem-solving (being alone and being able to focus on a specific problem and thus arrive at its solution), solitude as self-discovery (being alone and being able to focus on yourself, your feelings, values and goals), solitude as spirituality (being alone and being able to experience a mystical state and a feeling that we are part of something greater than ourselves, feeling closer to God and the like).

Ways of coping with loneliness depend on the individual characteristics of the lonely person, on the ways they cognitively assess the causes of their loneliness, and on their assessment of the resources available for effective coping. According to the cognitive model of stress and coping, there are two fundamental principles of coping: emotion-focused coping and problem-focused coping. Which of these two strategies is more effective depends on whether the stressful situation is controllable or not. For example, if the loneliness is due to the loss of a close person after moving to another city, problem-focused coping will be more effective, whereas if the loneliness is due to the death of a spouse, emotion-focused coping is more likely to be effective. Besides these two basic strategies, seeking social support is also a very important factor. From psychotherapeutic work with people who felt lonely, it is evident that the process of accepting loss and coping with loneliness went much easier and faster when they had a better social network and support. Based on what people do when they feel lonely, four factors that make up coping with loneliness have been identified: passive sadness (crying, sleeping, watching TV, drinking, overeating), active solitude(writing, listening to music, walking in nature, reading), spending money and social contacts (calling acquaintances/friends, visiting someone).

A meta-analysis of a large number of previous studies examining ways of coping with loneliness found that four types of strategies were used: improving social skills, increasing social support, creating opportunities for social interaction, and addressing social cognition (a person's thoughts about themselves and others).

Since all of us have sometimes in life felt lonely or abandoned, even if only for a moment, here are some useful tips on how you can more easily recognize what loneliness is and how to deal with it in a healthy way:

• Understanding loneliness as a feeling rather than a fact – when you feel lonely, it is because something has triggered the memory of that feeling, not because you are essentially isolated and alone; it is only necessary to become aware that we have this feeling and to accept it, without theorizing about why it is so (e.g. Why do I feel this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I am a loser? Because others are bad?).

• We may react by withdrawing into ourselves, into our thoughts and feelings of loneliness, which is by no means useful or helpful. Anticipating loneliness can be motivating to cultivate and nurture friendships, which is the healthiest strategy when we feel lonely and sad.

• Become aware of thoughts related to self-confidence. We often tend to create stories in which we are the main character, in order to explain our feelings when we are young; it is not unusual for children to think that something is wrong with them if they are not happy. If they are lonely and sad, children may assume that others do not like them. Victims of bullying may also have friends and admirers, but often are not aware of them because more attention is paid to shame and loneliness. Common assumptions about social status continue into adulthood, and if you try to find evidence that the world is a bad place, you can always find it.

• Make a plan to fight the mental and emotional habits of loneliness. If you realize that you are dealing with an emotional habit, you can make a plan to cope with loneliness. Since healthy interaction with friends is good, make an effort to initiate conversations and get-togethers, even when your loneliness and depression tell you not to. Yes, it requires some effort, but it pays off, just as it pays off to train even when you are tired and lazy.

• Focusing on the needs and feelings of others means less attention to your own thoughts and feelings about loneliness. You can walk down the street thinking about yourself, your loneliness and hopelessness, head down, or you can walk down the street with gratitude for the diversity among the people you share the sidewalk with, wishing them good health and a good future, and smiling at every person you meet. The latter is much more interesting, although sometimes we have to make an effort to actually do it.

• Find others like you - today there are many more ways to connect with those who share your interests; it is now much easier to identify groups you would have something in common with, which is the basis for starting a friendship.

• Always stand out in company, not in the sense of running for president of the knitting association at the first meeting, but you need to introduce yourself to others and take part in activities. It is not enough to tell people, for example, that they should practise yoga; you should be the one who signs up for yoga classes and practises it regularly, thereby motivating others to do the same.

• Be curious, but do not expect perfectionism or applause - every time you step forward in company is a small experiment, a small adventure in social connection. If you are interested in and curious about others, you will be attractive to them because you pay attention to them, so in return you will also receive attention. Curiosity about others also shifts the focus away from your own painful feelings that would make you want to withdraw into yourself.

• Kindness - we have the power to offer kindness and generosity to everyone we come into contact with. It is not instinctive to be kind to strangers or to people we are afraid of, but it is a choice. The choice is to be deliberately kind, and this brings us well-being in the long run. On the other hand, being unkind or stingy toward those we do not know well earns us a reputation as a skinflint.

• Be persistent: even if a certain group does not seem right for you, try another one. If you are persistent, you examine the assumptions and feelings that tell you to give up and withdraw into loneliness; if you stand out, are curious and kind to others, and join more groups, the odds are in your favour. And once you gain a friend or two, nurture these friendships by giving them time and attention. Do not be overly anxious about whether you give more than you receive in return. If you gain more friends and some of them are 'takers', then you may choose to spend more time with those who will reward your friendship.

In the end, loneliness is not about how others relate to us but about how we relate to others and to ourselves. Whoever develops and maintains a living interest in themselves and in the people around them will never feel lonely, because they will never be. It is not good when someone is too alone, but neither is it good when someone runs away from solitude and cannot bear it. Perhaps it is best to end this text with a saying of the Dalai Lama, who said that every person should spend at least 20 minutes a day alone. Everyone can set aside that much time to devote to themselves and to put in order themselves, their thoughts and other mental processes.