Power Differences and Partner Communication

Text written by: Emina Kadić, Eu.Lic. Psychotherapist, modality Systemic Family Therapy

Systemic family therapists believe that an unhealthy relationship is one in which healthy conflict is not possible! And what would a "healthy relationship" be, then?

When differences of interest arise in both partners, they should feel comfortable entering into a conversation and negotiation, or as we like to say, agreement. They nurture one another and are not frozen in their positions of the one who is either protective or a rescuer, or who is in the position of the protected or the rescued. They flexibly alternate between these roles in the face of different life challenges. They feel safe to express their vulnerability and to receive and offer comfort within the relationship.

What can be a stumbling block to achieving quality communication?

The answer is rigid socialization, which shapes our expectations of a partner.

Men were attributed greater political, socioeconomic and physical power on the one hand, while on the other they were not socially permitted to show vulnerability (boys don't cry), which negatively affected their relationship with their partner (men don't cry). Emotional connection forms the basis of every loving relationship, and it is created precisely through vulnerability!

Women were assigned greater power in relationships and communication. They were held responsible for the success or failure of raising children, marriage, and keeping in contact with relatives and friends. Therefore, as a result of rigid socialization, some find it incomprehensible that a woman would want to achieve economic independence and develop in her work. One does not exclude the other: it is possible to have both a satisfying partnership and family and to be professionally engaged.

So what happens in situations of conflict?

Men mostly think they are highly threatened by women's supposedly greater ability to communicate and identify problems, so they avoid or suppress the pressure related to communication. They usually emphasize the areas in which they are stronger, physically and financially.

On the other hand, a woman who fears financial and physical powerlessness will insist on a symmetrical relationship, which frustrates a man who has been taught to attribute dominance and leadership to male responsibility.

Gender messages are universal, are passed down through generations, and are part of a broader culture. This understanding creates greater empathy for the opposite sex and can open a dialogue about how to change messages that are harmful to partners or spouses.

Modern family therapists have developed a gender-sensitive approach in couples therapy. A gender-sensitive approach builds a bridge between men's and women's lives and starts from the premise that men and women, that is, partners, have different life experiences and different perceptions of reality, which arise from biological differences, developmental theory, value systems, levels of moral development, role definitions, and differences in power in politics, economics and law. Inflexibility in expectations ends up being destructive for both partners, so a family therapist can educate the couple on how to create a family structure and communication patterns that can serve as a new paradigm for their children.

Family therapists can help clients build greater awareness of these issues, but clients are the ones who decide whether to keep the same patterns of behavior. Our message to couples is: "If you always do what you have always done, you will always have what you have always had".