How to Help a Grieving Child?

Written by: Amela Abidović-Mačković, PhD in Psychology, CBT psychotherapist

Losing someone or something precious to us means that a period lies ahead in which we will get used to the fact that what we have lost will never return – we call this period grieving.

Today it is known that children experience loss in a way that differs from how adults experience it. Children are more dependent on their immediate environment, especially on the adults who care for them, which is why loss is very often linked for them with intense feelings of insecurity and helplessness. In addition, younger children do not yet have sufficiently developed cognitive capacities that would help them understand what is happening. For this reason, adults are extremely important to a grieving child, in order to give them a sense of protection and safety and to explain what is happening around them in a way the child can understand.

The most common prejudices adults hold about losses in childhood are:

1. The child is not aware of the loss/of what is happening

The child may be too young to clearly put their feelings into words, but they are always aware that something is happening. If a child is silent, it is possible that they are in an environment in which they do not feel safe enough to show their feelings.

2. It is better not to talk about the loss in front of the child, as this makes the child sad.

Adults most often try this way to protect the child. A child's grief is very hard for adults; it brings them into contact with their own emotions and a sense of helplessness. It is important to know that a child who has lost someone is sad regardless of whether we talk with them about the loss or not. If we do not talk with the child about the loss, we leave them alone in their pain. If we talk with the child, we offer a helping hand through the grieving process and give them a sense of safety and support.

3. If a child does not talk about the loss or does not cry, this is a sign that the child does not feel the loss.

Children, especially younger ones, have difficulty putting feelings into words, but that does not mean they do not feel them. Although after a loss children most often show sadness, it is equally possible that a child becomes angry, aggressive, or simply does not want to accept what has happened. It is possible that the child needs more time, or that they do not want to burden the grieving adults, and so they act as if nothing has happened.

4. It is best that they forget (the child needs to be occupied with other things)

If it is possible for an adult to be occupied with something and in this way forget their loss – then it is also possible for children! It is simply impossible. A child may behave as if they have forgotten, but this usually means they are alone with their sadness. A child, just like an adult, wants to talk about and remember the person who has died or is no longer there. It is important to allow this. On the other hand, if the child needs to continue with some everyday activities, it is also necessary to allow them to do so.

5. We must not cry in front of the child, as this reminds them of the loss.

As mentioned earlier, a child feels the loss regardless of what the adults around them do or how they behave. It is fine to cry in front of a child; in this way adults show them that they are not alone in their sorrow and that it is okay to show one's own emotions. This makes shared grieving possible.

To support a child, it is important to recognize their needs in the grieving process. Above all, after the loss of a close person, the child needs safety and care, clear information about the death, the patience of adults, a sense of being included and the opportunity to remember the person who died, continuation of usual activities in line with their needs, close people who will answer their questions, the knowledge that no one is to blame for someone's death or caused it, the knowledge that adults did everything they could and could not prevent the death of a close person, and time to accept that life is now different.