"When Others Stir Something in Us"

Written by: Sandra Zaimović, Gestalt psychotherapist

All of us sometimes talk about others. It is part of the human experience. We comment, judge, admire, get angry, feel disappointed, or feel hurt by someone's words and actions.

The longer I work with people while also getting to know myself, the more I believe that what moves us most in others often has to do with us too. Not because others are always right, nor because we are always wrong. But because our most intense feelings often touch something that already exists within us.

Sometimes it is an old experience that never had the chance to be fully lived through. Sometimes it is a belief we have carried about ourselves for years. Sometimes it is a wound we believed had healed long ago, but was simply not seen enough.

This, of course, does not mean that other people are not responsible for their actions. Nor does it mean that every criticism, anger or hurt speaks exclusively about us. People can be rude, unfair or insensitive. It is important to recognize this and set healthy boundaries.

Still, when a situation shakes us in a particular way, or when someone's words keep echoing within us long after they were spoken, it may be worth pausing.

It may be worth asking yourself one simple question:

“What in me reacted so strongly today?”

Sometimes another person reminds us of something we once experienced. Sometimes they touch a feeling we thought had stayed in the past. And sometimes it is precisely what we still find hardest to admit to ourselves that hurts the most.

Such questions are not always comfortable. But it is precisely these questions that often open up space for a better understanding of ourselves.

We may then discover a sense of inferiority we have carried for a long time. Perhaps unspoken hurt. Perhaps our own insecurity. Or perhaps we will simply realize how tired and overloaded we are, or how much tenderness toward ourselves we need at that moment.

People are far more complex than a single comment, one reaction or one action. That is why I believe the most important thing is not trying to figure out why someone said or did exactly what they did.

It is much more useful to ask yourself:

“What in me was touched by exactly these words?”

Not in order to take responsibility for other people's behavior, but because our reactions are often a valuable guide toward ourselves.

Every strong emotion can become an opportunity to get to know ourselves a little better. To pause, listen to what it is trying to tell us, and try to understand our own needs, fears and wounds, instead of immediately rejecting or condemning them.

Perhaps that is exactly why I believe personal growth does not begin when we succeed in changing other people. It begins when we become brave enough to look inward with curiosity.

Not to judge ourselves.

But to understand ourselves better.

Because when we begin to understand ourselves with more tenderness and acceptance, we often notice that the way we experience other people changes as well.

Perhaps we cannot always choose what will touch us in life.

But we can choose whether we learn something about ourselves from our reactions.

In the end, perhaps what matters most is not what others show us about themselves. It is far more important what our encounters with them reveal about us.