Individual and Collective Grieving: How to Work Through the Grieving Process?

Text written by: Prof. Dr. Sabina Alispahić

A few months after the world changed, and after the initial period of excitement, news, and research about what the coronavirus is, where it came from, and why it is here, we, both individually and collectively, have moved to a different place: the place of becoming aware of losses and grieving for what no longer exists or what will no longer be. We find ourselves somewhere in the middle between two realities: the old one we knew and lived in, and the new one, of which we don't know what it will be like or what it will bring. From a psychological point of view, this can be a very frightening and difficult place. It is precisely the place because of which we normally dislike change, and because of which we find it so hard to change ourselves and our behaviour. It is a place where we are far from our comfort zone (in this case we have been forcibly pushed out of our comfort zone), on unfamiliar ground, without the ability to control what will happen next.

Brr, what a place. Or, wow, what a place? (Judge for yourself).

Whatever belief you hold about this place where we are right now, it is important to know that it carries with it a very intense and important process, namely the process of grieving. In this situation, many people, individually and collectively, are grieving for the past life and everything they had and how they lived. Also, many people will experience various losses, such as the loss of health, loved ones, work, roles, beliefs, systemic support, and generally the world as we all knew it.

Whenever something so extraordinary, unseen, unexpected and shocking happens to us, we go through a certain process of adjustment, that is, grieving for what was and how it was before. This process was best described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book ‘’On Death and Dying’’, which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. The process consists of five stages of grieving:

1) Denial

This stage is characterised by fear, shock, confusion, and avoidance.

2) Anger

In this stage, frustration and anxiety rise.

3) Depression

Here a feeling of helplessness, being overwhelmed, and attempts to escape the situation appear.

4) Bargaining

Bargaining involves searching for meaning (“why did this happen?”, “who is responsible for this?”), reaching out to others, and sharing experiences.

5) Acceptance

Finally, acceptance comes, which means we begin to explore new possibilities, make a new plan, and move on.

It is important to know that these stages do not always follow one another as presented here, but may alternate, and have a very individual duration and intensity of reactions.

How can we support ourselves and support others when we notice in ourselves (or in others) which stage someone is in?

In the first two stages (denial and anger), open communication and access to accurate information about what is happening are most important. In the third stage (depression), emotional support is very important, whether it comes from loved ones or from professional support. In the stages of bargaining and acceptance, guidance and direction towards the future are most important.

When something unexpected and shocking happens, we can go in two directions: acceptance, and even post-traumatic growth, or falling into a deeper state of depression and crisis. What does the outcome depend on? It depends on many factors, such as individual characteristics, ways of coping, etc., but also on whether appropriate support is available to us. That is why it is very important to be aware of our emotions, to monitor ourselves, and to seek support when we recognise that we cannot go on alone.

Besides grieving for what was, we can also grieve for what will be in the future. How will the world look after all this passes (and it will pass, because everything passes)? Many ask how we will earn a living? How will we socialise? What will the economic system look like? How will we travel? How? How?

The answer is: nobody knows.

Of all the answers, this one is the worst possible for most people. But here it is in front of us, and the wisest thing would be to accept it, as it is.

What can help us accept not knowing?

Living in the here and now can help us, from moment to moment, from day to day, from week to week, and so on. Familiar? That is how we have always lived, we just weren't aware of it, because we believed in the illusion of control over life. The COVID challenge is here to remind us that the only thing we can influence is ourselves, that is, our reactions to circumstances. The only things we can control are our thoughts, and therefore our emotions and behaviour.

Believing that everything always and forever happens for our greatest good can also help us (however impossible it sometimes seems), and that perhaps at this moment we cannot see how it could be good for us. That is why it is useful to ask yourself, every morning, and several times a day, “Is life working for me or against me?” Your answer and your beliefs determine how Life will repay you.

At any moment we can do what brings us joy, as well as we know how and as much as we have the capacity to. We can shift the focus to others, not think only of ourselves and our problems, but ask ourselves how others are doing. Can we help someone with our presence? Can we give something of ourselves?

Life is not short. Life is eternal. And eternity consists of now. Then another now. And again now. Now. Let us be here and now.