If You Get to Know My Demons, I Won't Be So Scary to You Anymore.

Written by: Vildana Efendić, Gestalt psychotherapist

When you think of a prenuptial agreement, I believe you have a picture in your mind of a contract, signing, lawyers, some papers, and so on.

What if you could sign that prenuptial agreement emotionally and consciously, in a way that is healing for both you and your partner? Without papers and lawyers? Would you agree?

Recently, a couple has started coming to me for therapy who have been together for just under 12 months. Both are young, attractive, educated, and successful in their jobs. It is wonderful to witness a new generation of couples who are ready to reveal their demons to each other before the relationship becomes serious or before they enter marriage. They don't want to sweep anything under the carpet; they don't live in fairy tales and fantasies. They want to see how they can become better for their partner. Isn't that the essence of a relationship? That being with a partner makes you an even better person, toward yourself, toward him/her, and toward others?

Couples like these give me hope that it is more important to them to learn what trauma he has or how she can manage her anger in an appropriate way. It is more important to them to know all the strengths and weaknesses now, rather than asking these questions after 5 years or in marriage, when they say "He has completely changed" or "I thought it would look different" and the like.

Unfortunately, most women and men today worry about which photo from the wedding, trip, or birthday to post, instead of worrying about what is happening "behind the camera."

Most young couples worry more about planning the wedding, a day that will be over in 24 hours, than about planning their relationship with their partner, which will last much longer and require far more time, planning, awareness, emotional maturity, regret, arguments, and reconciliation.

Get to know your partner before entering a serious relationship, before starting a life together, before marriage. Ask them questions about money, sex, love, parents, and relationships with friends, watch how they behave toward them, and remember everything they tell you, because what they tell you is the truth, not what you fantasize it to be. Ask your partner how you will raise children, whether you want them and how many, how religion will be present in your lives, how much you want others to interfere in your lives, your parents and his/her parents, how important it is to you to have your own hobbies and friends... Examine everything, and examine it again in 10 years, because psychology says that our values, attitudes, opinions, wishes, and needs change every 10 years.

Imagine... if you change... and your partner changes, think about how much your relationship changes when it is influenced by two completely different people.